Important Note, this story below is a parable (i.e not a true story). I created the parable to help explain complex strategies for rebuilding self-worth. Especially when it seems like everything in life is stacked against you. Hope you find it healing....

Coping with Echoes of Percieved Self-Destruction

Glen sat alone at the kitchen table, the dreaded object resting in front of him. The dentures were a bitter reminder of years of self-abuse, like ghosts silently echoing the memory of a healthier past.

Bulimia had left its mark on Glen, not only physically but mentally. A full set of dentures at the age of 25 was not what he had envisioned for his life. Every job interview, every judgemental stare or hushed whisper pushed him further into the abyss of self-loathing and despair.

In the mirror, he looked like a million bucks with the dentures in.

A charming smile, perfect teeth. Yet, each time he put them in, the discomfort, physical and emotional, was unbearable. It was as if the plastic teeth bit into his soul, dredging up memories of secret binges and purges, the shame and guilt, the momentary relief, and then the spiraling descent into another cycle.

The frustration welled up in him, a silent scream of despair that he was still stuck in the same vicious cycle, the same self-destructive habits that had left him with a mouth full of plastic at an age when he should be at his prime.

The pain was always there, and so was the shame.

His own teeth, a casualty of the relentless battle with his eating problems. The sensation of the dentures was a cruel, constant reminder of what he felt he did to himself.

He looked into the mirror again, the dentures in his hand. The reflection was a stark reality of his internal turmoil. A young man, full of potential, scarred by an affliction he didn't ask for. He knew he needed to push past the discomfort, to put in the dentures, and reclaim a semblance of a normal life.

But the tears would come, hot and heavy, stinging his cheeks. His body would shake with the effort to hold back the sobs. The frustration. The regret. The reality of it all. How had he come to this?

Glen felt like he was trapped in a whirlwind, spun around by a society that was quick to judge and slow to understand. Job rejections came by the dozen, each one a piercing jab at his already shredded self-esteem. They saw a young man with no teeth and jumped to conclusions. Was he a drug addict? Why else would someone so young need dentures?

But they didn't know.

They didn't understand. And their judgement, their prejudice was like another layer of bricks on the wall Glen was desperately trying to scale.

A sad, ironic twist of fate. He couldn't eat because of this eating disorder, and yet it was this eating disorder that had robbed him of his ability to  feel normal.

Glen's story is a brutal portrayal of how it is hard to find self worth when there is so much going against you.

Rethinking Self-Esteem and Worth

The barriers to self-esteem aren't solely internal, nor entirely external, but a complex interplay between the following 3 things.

Important Lesson 1:

In Glen's case, his bulimia, which he views as a self-inflicted mistake, didn't merely impact his physical health but twisted his perception of himself, trapping him in an oppressive cycle of self-loathing.

This is a trap letting past actions  or choices dictate our sens of who we are, creating powerful barriers to positive self-worth.

Important Lesson 2:

In addition, societal judgments, based on mere appearances and misconceptions, were not just external barriers to Glen’s employment opportunities, but they also internalized as feelings of inadequacy.

This highlights the trap of allowing external opinions and actions from others to define our self-worth, thereby making it more difficult to reclaim our self-esteem.

Important Lesson 3:

Lastly Glen's dentures, instead of helping him feel normal, became a painful reminder of the mistakes he made and the contribution of the mistakes to the ongoing struggles he faced. This created a trap of a constant cycle of self-criticism, preventing him from finding self-worth.

What do these lessons really mean for you?

The big message in these three lessons is that self-worth and self-esteem aren't absolute states, but a series of negotiations between our past, our perceived present, and the prospect of our future.

External factors or past failures, aren't the culprits holding our self esteem randsome. Instead, they serve as mirrors that reflect our internal dialogue. 

In othe words, Glen's bulimia, societal judgments, and dentures are not the barriers themselves, but the triggers that evoke the underlying barriers within him.

Essentially...

Lesson 1: Teaches us that self-esteem is not dictated by past actions or choices, but by our present interpretation and acceptance of those past experiences. Our past only has as much power over our present as we choose to give it.

Lesson 2: Demonstrates that the external judgments and actions of others only become detrimental when we internalize them. It's not the external opinions that erode our self-esteem but our acceptance of these opinions as our truth.

Lesson 3: Shows us that even the tools designed to enhance our self-esteem, like Glen's dentures, can become reminders of our perceived inadequacies if we view them through a critical lens. The issue isn't with the dentures, but with the narrative Glen attached to them.

The bottom line...

Self-esteem  is not something we acquire or lose. In fact, self-esteem  is something we create and nurture within ourselves. 
Our self-worth and self-esteem stem not from past mistakes, societal judgments, or physical reminders of the past, but from our internal dialogue about these factors.

The challenge lies in shifting this internal dialogue. 

The challenge lies in re-negotiating the terms of our self-esteem from a place of compassion and acceptance for ourselves. 

It is about understanding that our worth isn't determined by our past, by others, or by any physical object, but by our thoughts and perceptions of these elements.

It's about recognizing that we have the power to rewrite our internal narratives and thus, redefine our self-esteem and self-worth.

How do we achieve this?

Let's get some help from the humble rubik's cube

How a Rubik's Cube  can help redefine your self-esteem

Pushing through barriers that affect self-esteem and impede self-worth is akin to trying to solve a Rubik's Cube.

Just as each cube in the Rubik's puzzle has six faces with different colors, each individual has multiple facets that define their self-esteem - their past, their perceptions, their experiences, their judgements, their failures, and their victories.

Like a scrambled Rubik's Cube, we might find our self-esteem in disarray, with different facets of our lives not aligning to form a coherent, confident identity. The discomfort, the societal judgements, the echoes of past mistakes - they scramble our perception of self-worth, making the cube of our identity seem unsolvable.

But just as every Rubik's Cube, no matter how scrambled, has a solution, every individual has within them the capacity to align their past, their experiences, their perception of self to form a positive identity.

It's not an easy process - it requires patience, persistence, and a willingness to maneuver different aspects of our lives, just like the colored squares on a Rubik's Cube.

It requires a deep understanding that the solution doesn't come from manipulating the puzzle to fit the established pattern, but from the willingness to shift, to turn, and to realign.

It's about understanding that the cube of our self-esteem isn't defined by a single square or color, but by the harmony of its entirety.

That is the art of pushing through barriers affecting self-esteem and self-worth: it's like solving a Rubik's Cube, where the solution doesn't lie in erasing or ignoring the scrambled colors but in the process of thoughtfully and patiently maneuvering them to form a unified whole.

Now let's break this down practically into step by step actions...

5 Practical steps to push through barriers and re-write your self-esteem

Keeping with the rubik's cube analogy, here is how to push through the barriers that work agains building positive self-esteem.

Step 1. Sequential Strategy (Sequential Acceptance):

In solving a Rubik's Cube, a sequential strategy is often applied - solving one side first, then the next. Likewise, working with self-esteem issues requires a similar approach.

We must handle one problem at a time, accepting and addressing each issue sequentially, rather than overwhelming ourselves by trying to tackle everything at once.

So...

1.a) Identify One Aspect at a Time: Glen must first identify one key aspect of his self-esteem that he wants to work on.

For instance, he might begin with his discomfort and embarrassment about his dentures.

It's about focusing on one specific area instead of being overwhelmed by the broader concept of self-esteem.

1.b) Prioritize: Like arranging the squares of the same color on one side of a Rubik's Cube, Glen should prioritize handling his feelings about the identified issue.

For example, he could decide to focus on changing his narrative around his dentures, seeing them not as a mark of shame, but as a symbol of his strength in overcoming his past struggles.

1.c) Actionable Steps: Glen should identify small, manageable steps to tackle this issue.

Using the dentures example, he might start by practicing smiling in the mirror every morning, gradually becoming more comfortable with his appearance.

1.d) Progress Assessment and Next Step: Once Glen makes progress in one aspect (e.g., becoming more comfortable with his dentures), he should pause and acknowledge his achievement.

This step is equivalent to completing one side of the Rubik's Cube.

He can then move on to the next issue (another side of the cube), such as tackling his sensitivity to societal judgments.

Step 2. Embracing Disarray (Accepting Imperfections):

At the onset of solving a Rubik's Cube, there's a period where the cube becomes more scrambled before it starts to look organized.

This mirrors the process of self-improvement: embracing the temporary disarray, the imperfections and disordered aspects of ourselves, is a necessary step in reshaping our self-esteem.

Here is how to do this...

2a) Acknowledge the Scramble: Just as you must first accept the chaos of the scrambled cube before you start solving it, Glen needs to acknowledge the mix of feelings, narratives, and self-judgements that make up his current self-esteem.

For example, he may realize that his struggle with bulimia left him with a scrambled mix of emotions about his self-worth.

2b) Understand that Disarray is a Stage, Not a State: Much like the cube looking more scrambled before it begins to take shape, Glen should understand that feeling confused or overwhelmed is part of the process of reshaping his self-esteem, not an end state.

A practical step could be journaling his thoughts and feelings regularly to track the ebb and flow of his emotions, serving as a reminder that these feelings are temporary and changing.

2c) Recognize the Need for a Strategy: In a Rubik's Cube, random moves won't lead to a solution; it requires a strategy.

Similarly, Glen needs a plan for addressing his emotions.

For instance, he could decide to confront his feelings of inadequacy related to his bulimia head-on, perhaps by researching about the illness and understanding that it's a medical condition, not a personal failing.

2d) Appreciate the Complexity: Just as every scramble of the Rubik's Cube is unique and requires individual understanding, Glen must appreciate his own complex journey.

This could involve him writing a letter to his younger self, describing all the trials and triumphs he's experienced, thus affirming his resilience and unique path.

2e) Celebrate Small Victories: Solving a Rubik's Cube often involves celebrating small wins, like getting one face of the cube in order.

Similarly, Glen should celebrate his minor victories.

For example, after his research on bulimia, he might feel a slight easing of guilt - a small but crucial win in reshaping his self-esteem.

Step 3. Corner and Edge Strategy (Root Causes and Manifestations):

Solvers often start with corner pieces, the root causes, then work on edge pieces, the manifestations.

Similarly, addressing core beliefs that impact our self-esteem before handling their manifestations in our behaviors and emotions can be a more efficient strategy.

It's not merely about treating the symptoms but getting to the heart of the matter.

Here's how...

3a) Identify Your Corners (Core Beliefs): Just as we first need to understand the positions of the corner pieces in the Rubik's Cube.

Glen needs to identify his core beliefs about himself.

For instance, he might identify a core belief that he is unattractive, stemming from his battle with bulimia and the societal standards of beauty he's internalized.

3b) Acknowledge The Root of The Beliefs: It's not enough to simply identify the corners, you need to understand how they came to be in their current position.

Glen should trace his belief of unattractiveness back to its origin.

Maybe it started in school when peers made hurtful comments, or perhaps it was a side comment from a family member that he internalized.

3c) Strategize Your Moves (Plan of Action): In solving a Rubik's Cube, it's essential to plan your moves.

Similarly, Glen needs to develop strategies to confront and challenge these core beliefs.

He might confront his belief of unattractiveness by deliberately seeking out a diverse range of beauty standards and finding examples of beauty that defy his ingrained stereotypes.

3d) Rotate The Corners (Redefine Beliefs): In the cube, once we decide the appropriate strategy, we start rotating the corners to their correct position.

Glen needs to rotate his corners by redefining his core beliefs.

He could redefine his concept of attractiveness to encompass resilience, empathy, and kindness, qualities he's displayed throughout his struggles.

3e) Move to The Edges (Address Manifestations): After the corners are in place, we start solving the edges.

Glen now needs to address how his core beliefs have manifested in his behavior and emotions.

For example, if his revised belief of attractiveness leads him to feel more confident, he could start expressing himself more openly and assertively, a clear shift in behavior due to his changed self-perception.

Step 4. Algorithm Recognition (Pattern Identification):

Expert Rubik's Cube solvers recognize patterns and use known algorithms to solve them. In self-esteem enhancement, it's pivotal to identify recurring negative self-perceptions and the situations that trigger them. Recognizing these patterns enables us to implement appropriate strategies to change them.

So...

4a) Dissect Your Day: Think of the way Rubik's Cube experts examine the cube before making a single move.

Glen should do the same with his daily life.

Every night, he could mentally review his day, dissecting interactions and moments that made him feel inadequate.

Instead of dwelling on these moments, he uses them as data points for identifying patterns.

4b) Spot The Patterns: Imagine a cube solver recognizing that every time they align two corner pieces, an edge piece is displaced.

Similarly, Glen may notice patterns, like feeling more self-conscious about his appearance on days he has social events.

The idea here is not to immediately change this pattern, but to acknowledge it first. Acceptance is a precursor to change.

4c) Create Your Algorithm: Cube experts have algorithms for every pattern they recognize.

Glen can develop his own "algorithm", a cognitive-behavioral response for each pattern of negative self-perception.

For example, when facing social events, Glen could prepare a mental list of his strengths and achievements, not related to his appearance, to remind himself of his worth.

4d) Test Your Algorithm: Rubik's solvers test their algorithms and modify them as needed.

Similarly, Glen should deploy his algorithm and observe how it impacts his self-perception.

Perhaps his initial algorithm helps to some extent, but doesn't fully alleviate his self-consciousness.

The unanticipated perspective here? It's okay for his solution not to work perfectly the first time.

Each attempt is a step closer to a more effective algorithm.

4d) Redefine Success: Solvers don’t always aim to complete the cube, sometimes they aim to reach a better state than before.

Glen, similarly, needs to redefine his success not as completely eradicating negative self-perceptions, but as reducing their intensity and frequency.

Essentially, success in improving self-esteem isn't about reaching an ideal state of perpetual self-love, but about continuously progressing towards a healthier self-perception.

Step 5. Incomplete Solutions (Imperfect Progress):

In a Rubik's Cube, sometimes, to get to the final solution, parts of the cube that were previously solved have to be scrambled again.

This reflects the non-linear nature of self-improvement.

There may be times when it feels like we're regressing, but it's often a necessary part of the process to reach our final goal of enhanced self-esteem.

It's about learning to appreciate the imperfect progress.

Here's what this looks like practically...

5a) Embrace the Scramble: Think of Glen attending a social gathering and feeling surprisingly confident.

Then, the next day, he's back to feeling inadequate. It's like having one face of the cube solved, then having to scramble it to solve the rest.

The point here is that...

These regressions are not failures, but signs of progress. It means Glen is trying and growing, even if it feels like he's back to square one.

5b) Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome: Just like a cuber focuses on getting the moves right, regardless of the current state of the cube, Glen needs to focus on the process of understanding and challenging his self-perceptions rather than the current state of his self-esteem.

The fact? Progress is not about feeling better each day, but about engaging with the process of change, even on the tough days.

5c) Be Prepared for Unintended Consequences: Solving a Rubik's Cube can lead to unexpected blockages.

Glen, by challenging his old narrative, might find it brings up deeper insecurities.

But this is not a setback...

Like an expert cuber, he can see it as a new challenge to work through, leading him closer to the solution.

5d) Celebrate Partial Solutions: Cube solvers take pleasure in every small victory, every piece correctly placed.

Glen too should celebrate his small victories, like speaking up against a negative self-perception or refusing to let a triggering situation lower his self-esteem.

These small wins are not insignificant, they're the building blocks of his journey to a healthier self-perception.

5e) Iterative Progress: Expert cubers know they may need to repeat a sequence of moves multiple times to reach the desired outcome.

Glen needs to accept that his journey may require repeating certain processes - challenging self-perceptions, changing internal narratives - multiple times.

It's not about "fixing" himself once. It's about continually engaging with the process of self- growth

You are bigger than your mistakes... You are bigger than any external judgements

Your worth is inherent, undiminished by the mixed-up squares of past mistakes or external judgments. These squares don't define your worth; they contribute to your unique pattern, your unique journey.

This shift in perspective doesn't encourage complacency but fosters a sense of acceptance and compassion towards yourself. It's not about ignoring or discarding the misaligned squares but about acknowledging them, learning from them, and then focusing on the fascinating puzzle that you are.

You don't need a perfectly aligned Rubik's Cube to validate your worth. You're a beautiful blend of colorful squares, a unique pattern that's yours alone. Your self-worth lies not in the perfection of alignment but in the richness of this diversity.

So, remember, every twist, every turn, every challenge you face is just a part of your puzzle, adding depth to your pattern, making you more uniquely you. Your worth doesn't lie in the illusion of perfection but in the reality of your unique, wonderful, colorful mess. That's the vibrant, compelling Rubik's Cube that is you.

Articles in this series:

Why am I such a failure?

Why positive affirmations might be breaking your self-esteem

How to learn self-value even when the people you love treat you like rubbish

How to learn self-value: The key to an authentic self

Breaking Through Personal Barriers to Reclaim Your Self-Worth (This article)

Unlock Your Ultimate Confidence: 100 Game-Changing Self-Esteem Tips

Rewire your brain and rebuild your self esteem

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