There's no way around it—we all go through some rough patches in life.

It's as human as breathing.

We all experience emotional pain as part of life.

When you go through a breakup, lose a job, or when a loved one dies—it's natural to feel hurt.

In these moments, our first instinct is often to seek care and comfort from friends, family, or others we trust. 

Just like a kid runs to their mom or dad after scraping a knee.

But here's the kicker—we often slam the door on this natural urge to connect. 

We dismiss it as needy, attention-seeking, or weak.

So we isolate ourselves, convinced that relying on others will make us pathetic. We pretend everything's fine and try to cope with the pain alone.

But, did you know this is a massive mental health trap?

The Trap of Negative Labeling

If you've ever felt really low and craved a shoulder to lean on, only to tell yourself, "Stop being so needy".

Or felt the need to share your pain, but then you've slapped the "attention-seeking" label on yourself.

Then you've got to hear this...

These moments of self-judgment will push you into isolation.

Believing that needing others is a sign of weakness will cause you to lock your feelings away and try to deal with the pain all alone. And before you know it, you're sliding down the slippery slope towards depression.

The Importance of experiencing comfort from others

Here's what science tells us: social support is like a magic balm for both emotional and physical pain.  It triggers the release of oxytocin and other calming hormones. 

When we take care of each other, we're not just doing a good deed; we're actually strengthening our human connections. Ignoring our need for comfort only causes more internal turmoil and suffering.

Now i know what you are thinking...

Isn't this promoting unhealthy emotional dependency?

True...

Today's culture, often promotes the message that we need to be completely self-reliant and independent. And that admitting we need others is plain weak.

But is that extreme really healthy?

Wouldn't it be better to find the balance.

being able to rely on yourself as well as being able to ask for support when you feel overwhelmed.

Needing help working through intense emotions does not mean you lack self-reliance altogether.

In fact, occasional emotional support from loved ones can provide perspective, validation, and encouragement that increases your resilience and self-awareness.

The simple act of vocalizing feelings to a trusted friend who listens without judgement can help avoid bottling up emotions in an unhealthy way.

The danger comes when you expect others to be solely responsible for fulfilling all your emotional needs. That level of dependency is unhealthy.

But calling a friend when you're devastated or joining a grief support group after a loss does not automatically equal dependency.

It means you understand the importance of community and letting go of the need to cope entirely alone. We all need help at times.

But maybe your problem with what I am advocating is...

Isn't it unfair to burden friends and family with my problems

That is an important question to ask as well.

However, I would argue that if you only reach out when you are truly overwhelmed by grief or other emotions, most friends and family members are happy to listen and be there for you.

They care about you and your wellbeing.

Consider also that providing a listening ear or comfort often helps the giver feel meaning, purpose and human connection.

My advice would be to make sure you invest in those relationships during the good times too, so your loved ones know you are there for them as well.

Reciprocity and balance matters.

Make sure you don't just come to them only when you have problems. Offer your support in return.

Additionally, there are other sources of support outside your immediate circle, like counselors, support groups, or communities focused on what you are going through.

But your hangup with this might still be...

Isn't it pathetic to be constantly winging and wallowing in self pity?

You are right, constant complaining for attention or self-pity parties is not healthy.

But is is crrucial to recognize that there is a difference between constructive processing of pain versus simply whining endlessly without taking any action to move forward.

My aim is to encourage you to understand your emotions enough to then make productive decisions and take constructive steps.

Silencing your pain entirely or pretending to just "get over it" quickly can also be counterproductive in the long run. Finding balance is key.

I'm advising you not to judge yourself so harshly or drain energy needed for forward movement by getting angry at your own valid feelings.

Some self-compassion is warranted. It achieves productive emotional processing so you can then take positive action and find inner peace which then leads to empowerment and growth, not permanent victimhood.

Lastly, your big concerns might be...

But people will hurt or reject me if I let myself be vulnerable to them for for comfort

This is true too...

Opening up makes you feel vulnerable, and there's always the risk that friends or family members may not react supportively.

Their discomfort or dismissal of your feelings could worsen the pain.

My advice would be to carefully discern who in your life is capable of being empathetic and sit with discomfort vs. those prone to criticism or those unable to handle heavy emotions.

Start by opening up a little at a time with people you trust.

And know that if someone does react poorly or distances themselves when seeking comfort, that's more a reflection on them than you.

It doesn't mean you were "too much" or that your pain wasn't valid. But it may signal that individual is not capable of providing what you hoped for.

It important to be fine with the reality that not every person will react perfectly. 

Part of the courage of vulnerability is accepting that hurt is still possible.

But for many, there is also healing through sharing pain with those who do offer compassion.

With thoughtfulness, you can hopefully minimize additional wounds while still giving yourself the care you need during difficult times.

Hope that makes sense...

As you can see, dismissing our innate need for care and comfort during times of emotional pain can lead to isolation and spiral into depression.

But by embracing vulnerability and support as strengths rather than weaknesses, we give ourselves the chance to truly heal.

Now  pay attention!

This next point is the most Important point in this article...

Why comfort craving is not unhealthy

As a parent, I've seen firsthand how even small upsets send my kids running straight into my arms for hugs, kisses, and words of reassurance.

They instinctively know that comfort from dad will make them feel better.

I never scold them for being "too needy" or tell them to just "toughen up." Their need for care is normal and human. All kids crave the safety and strength gained from their caregiver’s love.

What’s fascinating is that as adults, we have those same basic needs hardwired into us - even if we try to suppress them. When my wife has a horrible day at work, her first impulse is to unload on me so we can tackle the stress together. She draws comfort from my listening ear, just as our kids do.

And on the flip side, when I’m really struggling, I desperately want my wife’s empathy. Her understanding soothes my soul. I'd never judge my kids for seeking consolation; it's no different for the adults in the family.

At the end of the day, we all crave care, be it a 6-year-old with a scraped knee or a 60-year-old faced with grief. Our longing for comfort and closeness is simply part of the human condition.

We heal best when we embrace this need in ourselves and each other

So...

Give yourself permission to seek help without harsh self-judgment

Reject the impulse to criticize your desire for comfort as "needy."

Finally, take time to find your people—friends, family members, communities—who can be there for you during tough times with open arms. Start by opening up a little at a time with those you trust.

At the end of the day, our longing for care and understanding in hard times is wired into our DNA, as natural as breathing.

When you embrace this truth, and share the load with others, you unlock the door to moving forward in a healthy way.

So reach out when you're hurting.

Allow others to do the same. Mutual support makes us stronger, not weak.

I know it takes courage to open up, and you may not always get the reaction you hoped for.

But remember, many will offer compassion, and this human connection heals.

In this shared experience, we're all in this together

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