You've spent years honing your ability to please others. After all, being liked is just one part of building strong relationships, isn't it?.

But there is no denying it. Being overly people-pleasing can be a major obstacle in life.

But what if you could use these people-pleasing skills in a way that amplifies your leadership abilities, rather than just making nice with everyone?. The secret lies in your mindset.

I'll explain with this quick story.

Seeing Criticism Everywhere.

Glenys stood frozen in the school hallway, her heart racing.

The headmaster's words echoed in her mind: "We need to discuss your lesson plans.". Was she not good enough? Would she lose her job? What would her mother say?.

At home, her husband's gentle touch couldn't calm the storm in her head. "You're worrying too much," he said, meaning well.

Glenys felt tears welling up. "I can't help it," she whispered, the frustration with herself building like a pressure cooker.

Later, staring at a negative pregnancy test, Glenys heard her mother's voice: "It's because you're too stressed.". The worry spiraled.

Was she failing as a teacher, a wife, a daughter? The weight of others' perceptions crushed her, each imagined disapproval another stone on her chest. Now over to you.

Can you relate with Gleny's story?.

How Parental Criticism Shapes Us

You know how they say our childhood shapes who we become? Well, when it comes to dealing with super critical parents, especially around those tricky preteen years, it really leaves a mark on how we handle life as grown-ups. Think about it.

If you're constantly told you're not doing things the "right" way, or that you need to be "the best," it really does a number on you. You start second-guessing everything you do.

Should I do this? Is this good enough? What if I mess up? It's like having a really mean coach in your head all the time.

And here's the kicker - you start relying on other people to tell you if you're doing okay.

It's like you can't trust your own judgment anymore. You might have a great idea, but instead of running with it, you hesitate.

You think, "But what if it's not good enough?" So you end up playing it safe, sticking to what you know won't get criticized.

This stuff seeps into everything - your work, your relationships, how you see yourself.

You might find yourself always trying to please your boss, just like you did with your parents.

Or maybe you're always on edge, waiting for someone to point out what you did wrong. It's exhausting, right?.

And don't even get me started on the whole "imposter syndrome" thing.

You could be killing it at your job, but there's always this nagging feeling that you're not really as good as everyone thinks you are.

Like you're just waiting for someone to figure out you're a fraud. The real bummer is that all this can make you avoid taking risks or trying new things.

After all, if you don't try, you can't fail, right? But that also means you might miss out on some really cool opportunities. Relationships can get tricky too.

You might find it hard to be yourself around others, always worrying about what they think. Or you might bend over backwards trying to make everyone happy, forgetting about what you want.

Super Powers and Mixed Blessings

Back to Gleny's story. As a kid, she had to become really good at figuring out what her mom was thinking or feeling.

It was like a survival skill - if she could guess mom's mood, she could avoid criticism or try to please her. Over time, she got so good at it that it became second nature.

Now, as an adult, she's got this uncanny ability to pick up on tiny cues from people. A slight change in tone, a small gesture, a fleeting expression - she catches it all.

In some ways, it's like having X-ray vision for emotions. But the problem.

Glenys doesn't even realize she's doing it most of the time. It's become so automatic that it's like breathing.

The thing is, this "superpower" isn't always helpful. It's like having a radio that's always on and tuned to everyone else's frequency.

Exhausting, right?.

It means she's constantly on high alert, trying to figure out what everyone around her is thinking or feeling. It's like she's always trying to stay one step ahead, anticipating reactions before they even happen.

And get this - it affects everything.

The therapist says it "colors" her whole world. That means every situation, every conversation, every interaction gets filtered through this lens of.

"What are they thinking?. How are they reacting?.

Do they approve?". It can make simple things really complicated.

Imagine going to a work meeting and not just listening to what's being said, but also trying to read between the lines with every single person in the room.

Or having a casual chat with a friend and constantly second-guessing if they're secretly annoyed or bored. The tricky part is, because she's not aware she's doing it, she might not realize when she's overthinking things or misreading a situation.

She might see disapproval where there isn't any, or tie herself in knots trying to please people who aren't actually judging her. What does this have to do with you?.

If you can relate. The goal is to start recognizing this "superpower" for what it is - a coping mechanism you developed as a kid that's now on overdrive.

It's about learning to dial it back, to not let it run the show all the time.

Once you really ingrain this, then the next thing you must do is.

Burst out of the "My mum is not really toxic" Trap

Think of it this way:.

Your mom is like the blueprint for how you see the world and how you handle relationships. She's the original model, you know?.

All those worries, the need to please people, the fear of messing up – a lot of that started with how things were with your mom.

Now, here's the thing: As long as you keep interacting with your mom in the same old way, it's like you're reinforcing all those old patterns.

It's like you're hitting the "replay" button on all those feelings and behaviors you're trying to change. Why is this so crucial?.

Well, if you can learn to handle things differently with your mom, you're basically getting a master class in dealing with everyone else. It's like, if you can handle Mom, you can handle anyone!.

Plus, changing how you deal with your mom can have this amazing ripple effect. Suddenly, you might find yourself standing up for yourself more at work.

Or not freaking out so much about what your friends think. It's like rewiring the control panel of your emotions and behaviors.

No that you have that dialed down, what's next?.

You've gor to rmind yourself that.

Everybody's not your Mum!

I know, sounds obvious, right? But stick with me here, because this is actually a big deal. See, when you grow up with a mom who's really critical or dominant, it's like you're always walking on eggshells.

You learn to be super careful about what you say and do. You're always trying to guess what she's thinking, always trying to avoid setting her off.

It becomes second nature, like breathing. Now, fast forward to adult life.

You're at work, and there's this boss or coworker who's kind of pushy or critical.

Your brain goes, "Uh-oh, danger!" and switches into that same careful, people-pleasing mode you used with your mom. It's like your brain is saying, "I know how to handle this! I've been training for this my whole life!".

But here's the point: that boss or coworker? They're not your mom. I mean, duh, right? But seriously, this is huge.

Your mom had power over your whole world when you were a kid. These people at work? They don't have that kind of power over you.

Sure, they might be annoying. They might even be bullies.

But they can't ground you, they can't take away your favorite toy, they can't make you feel small in the same way your mom could when you were little.

Their opinion of you doesn't define your whole world. You need to start seeing these situations differently.

Yeah, that person at work might be a pain, but they're just a person. They're not the all-powerful figure your mom was in your childhood.

This is really freeing when you think about it. It means you can start responding to these people differently.

You don't have to tiptoe around them or bend over backwards to please them. You can stand up for yourself, disagree with them, or even just shrug off their bad moods without it ruining your day.

next.

Catch and Tone down Those Superpowers

Now here's a wild idea. What you might think of as your biggest problem is actually a superpower.

Yeah, you heard that right – a superpower!. Let's break it down.

You know how you're always on high alert, always trying to figure out what people are thinking or feeling?. That's not just you being anxious or oversensitive.

It's actually a skill you've developed, like a sixth sense.

it's a superpower because it's something you're really, really good at. You're like the Superman of reading people's vibes!.

But the truth is that you probably didn't even realize you were doing it.

And this superpower?.

It's coloring everything in your world. It's like you're wearing special glasses that make you see every situation through this "what are they thinking about me?" filter.

Now, here's where it gets really interesting. Most of us think our problems come from our weaknesses, right? Like, "Oh, I'm not confident enough," or "I'm not smart enough.".

Nope!. It's actually your strengths that are causing the trouble.".

Mind-blowing, right?. Let's use an example.

Think about someone who's super organized.

Being organized is a good thing, right?.

But if you're too good at it, you might become this mega-warrior, always stressing about every little thing being in its perfect place. The very thing you're good at is now causing you stress!.

So how did you get this superpower?. Well, it's like you went to a special school, but that school was your childhood.

Growing up, you had to figure out how to deal with your mom's moods and expectations. It wasn't easy, but you adapted.

You learned to read the room, to pick up on the tiniest signs of what she was thinking or feeling. And boom – superpower acquired!.

You got so good at reading your mom that now you can read everyone. It's like you've got this built-in people scanner.

Every little expression, every tone of voice – you catch it all. And you had to develop this skill because, well, that's how you coped with your mom.

Now, here's the tricky part. You might have been trying really hard to stop worrying so much.

But that's not going to work as long as your superpower is in overdrive.

It's like trying to stop a river with your hands – it's not the river that needs to change; it's how you're approaching it. So what's the solution?.

It's about recognizing this superpower for what it is. The more you understand it, the more you can control it instead of letting it control you.

At first, it's overwhelming, but once you master it, it becomes a tool you can use when you need it.

The goal isn't to get rid of your ability to read people. That's a valuable skill!.

It's about finding a balance. Using it when it's helpful, but not letting it run your life.

Now that we've talked about dialing down that always-on people-pleasing radar, you might be wondering, "Wait, am I supposed to just stop caring what others think altogether?" Not at all! Think of it like a superpower you're learning to control. Instead of it controlling you, you get to decide when to activate it.

So, when should you flex those people-pleasing muscles, and how can you use them to your advantage? Let's explore how to transform this instinct from an exhausting habit into a strategic leadership tool.

12 Leadership Assets to Glean From Your People Pleasig Traits.

Enhanced Emotional Intelligence

Ability to read and respond to others' emotions: You can sense when a student is struggling or when a colleague is stressed, allowing you to offer timely support.

Skill in navigating complex social dynamics: You deftly handle parent-teacher conflicts or staff disagreements with sensitivity. Intuitive understanding of team morale: You can gauge the overall mood of your staff, helping you make decisions about workload or implementing new initiatives at the right time.

Conflict Resolution Expertise

Natural mediator in disagreements: When students clash or teachers have differing opinions on curriculum, you step in to facilitate productive discussions. Ability to find win-win solutions: In budget allocation disputes, you find creative ways to meet multiple departments' needs.

Skill in de-escalating tense situations: During heated parent-teacher conferences, you calm emotions and redirect focus to constructive problem-solving.

Inclusive Decision Making

Tendency to consider all stakeholders' perspectives: When implementing new school policies, you seek input from teachers, students, parents, and staff.

Ability to build consensus among diverse groups: You successfully navigate differing opinions to reach agreements on school improvement plans. Skill in making decisions that address multiple needs: Your choices for professional development programs consider both individual teacher growth and overall school goals.

Exceptional Active Listening

Genuine interest in others' ideas and concerns: In staff meetings, you give full attention to each speaker, encouraging open communication. Ability to make others feel heard and valued: Students and parents feel comfortable approaching you because they know you'll truly listen.

Skill in gathering comprehensive information before acting: Before making curriculum changes, you thoroughly consult with teachers, educational experts, and analyze student performance data.

Relationship Building Mastery

Natural networking abilities: You easily connect with other school leaders, creating valuable partnerships and learning opportunities. Skill in creating a positive, collaborative environment: Your approach fosters teamwork among teachers, leading to innovative cross-curricular projects.

Ability to foster strong partnerships with parents and community: You successfully engage local businesses in school programs and maintain open communication channels with parents.

Adaptability and Flexibility

Quick to adjust approaches based on others' needs: You modify your communication style for different audiences - students, parents, or board members.

Skill in implementing change with minimal resistance: When introducing new technology, you address concerns proactively and provide ample support. Ability to thrive in diverse and changing environments: You navigate smoothly through policy changes, demographic shifts, or unexpected crises like remote learning transitions.

Empathetic Leadership Style

Creating a supportive atmosphere for staff and students: Your office is a safe space for sharing concerns, and you implement wellness programs for both students and staff.

Understanding and addressing individual needs: You recognize when a teacher needs extra support or when a student requires a personalized learning plan.

Fostering a culture of mutual respect and care: Your behavior sets an example that permeates the school culture, promoting kindness and understanding.

Diplomatic Communication

Tact in delivering feedback or criticism: When addressing performance issues with teachers, you frame feedback constructively and supportively. Skill in framing messages positively: You present challenges as opportunities for growth, motivating rather than discouraging your team.

Ability to navigate sensitive topics effectively: You handle discussions about controversial curriculum content or disciplinary actions with care and professionalism.

Team Cohesion Building

Natural inclination to promote harmony: You organize team-building activities and create opportunities for staff to connect outside of work. Skill in identifying and leveraging team members' strengths: You assign roles in school projects based on individual strengths, boosting both efficiency and job satisfaction.

Ability to create a sense of belonging among diverse groups: You implement inclusive practices that make all students and staff feel valued, regardless of their background.

Anticipatory Problem-Solving

Proactively identifying potential issues: You foresee potential challenges in new initiatives and plan accordingly. Addressing concerns before they escalate: You check in regularly with staff and students, catching and resolving small issues before they grow.

Creating systems that prevent conflicts: You establish clear communication protocols and fair dispute resolution processes.

Cultural Sensitivity

Heightened awareness of diverse cultural norms: You ensure school events and policies respect and celebrate the diverse cultures in your school community.

Skill in creating inclusive environments: You implement culturally responsive teaching practices and diverse representation in curriculum materials.

Ability to bridge cultural gaps in the school community: You facilitate understanding between different cultural groups, promoting a rich, multicultural learning environment.

Mentoring and Development Focus

Natural inclination to support others' growth: You prioritize professional development and create mentorship programs for both teachers and students. Skill in providing constructive feedback gently: Your evaluations help teachers improve without feeling criticized or discouraged.

Ability to nurture talent and build future leaders: You identify leadership potential in your staff and provide opportunities for them to develop these skills.

Are You Ready to Unleash Your Inner Leader?

They're known by many names… pleasing others, being agreeable, compromising...

But however you slice it, people-pleasing skills are actually leadership assets in disguise.

And when used intentionally and strategically, these same skills can help you build trust with your team members, become a more effective communicator, and even gain recognition as a leader.

It's time you trade in your people-pleasing skills for leadership assets that will propel you towards success.

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More on our social anxiety series

When social anxiety threatens to ruin your life

7 Easy strategies to overcome social anxiety

How to flip social anxiety into magnetic confidence

Teacher's: How to Turn Your People-Pleasing Traits into Leadership Assets (This article)

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