You documented everything. You went to HR. You tried having a calm, direct conversation. You attempted to simply do excellent work and stay under the radar. You even tried giving them nothing to react to.

And somehow, every single approach made things worse.

The documentation got you labeled "paranoid." HR sided with your boss—after all, he's a star performer. The direct conversation got twisted until you were the one who looked unreasonable. And when you tried grey rocking? He escalated until he got a reaction.

If you're starting to wonder if you've lost your mind, or if you've somehow become incompetent at basic workplace interactions you've handled successfully for years—stop.

That confusion you're feeling isn't a sign you're doing something wrong. It's actually important data about what you're really dealing with.

Standard Strategies Without the Results

Let's be honest: everything you tried makes sense.

When someone is difficult at work, the standard advice is:

• Document everything — Create a paper trail in case you need it
• Go to HR — Use official channels to report problems
• Have a direct conversation — Clear the air like adults
• Focus on your work — Be so good they can't ignore you
• Don't engage emotionally — Stay calm and professional

This playbook works. It works with a micromanaging boss. It works with a colleague who takes credit sometimes. It works with someone who has a short temper. It works with people who are stressed, or competitive, or even somewhat selfish.

Because all of these approaches assume one critical thing: The other person, whatever their flaws, is operating in good faith.

They want the project to succeed. They want a functional working relationship—eventually. If cornered by facts, they'll back down. If you demonstrate value, they'll recognize it. If you refuse to play games, they'll stop playing.

These are reasonable assumptions. They're true for the vast majority of difficult people you'll encounter.

But what happens when they're not true?

Pattern Reading That Works

Here's what caught my attention about your situation:

It's not that one strategy failed. It's that every strategy failed—and many of them made things worse in ways that seem calculated.

Documentation didn't just not help—it became ammunition for calling you paranoid. The HR conversation didn't just go nowhere—it strengthened his position. The direct confrontation didn't just fail to resolve things—it made YOU look unstable.

Think about that pattern.

If your boss were simply a jerk, at least some of these approaches would have neutral results. At least some of them would put him slightly on the defensive. At least HR would say something like "we'll keep an eye on it."

But every reasonable move backfiring? Every strategy somehow getting turned against you?

That's not random chance. That's not you being incompetent. That pattern means something.

The Real Game You're Playing

Consider this scenario:

Imagine you sit down at what you think is a chess board. You know chess. You're good at it. You start making solid, strategic moves.

But your opponent keeps moving pieces in ways that don't make sense. They're putting your pieces in their "captured" pile when you didn't lose them. They're making up rules on the fly. And when you object, they look at you confused and say, "I don't know what you're talking about—you must not understand how this game works."

You'd feel crazy, right? You'd start doubting whether you know chess at all.

What you believed: I must be doing something wrong—my proven strategies keep failing

What's actually true: You do know chess. They're just not playing chess.

The strategies you've been using—documentation, direct communication, focusing on excellent work, not engaging—these are strategies for dealing with people who are playing the same game you are. People who, even if they're difficult, ultimately want resolution over chaos, truth over confusion, and relationships that function.

Some people don't want those things.

What they want is control. And they achieve it through confusion, self-doubt, and keeping you constantly off-balance.

Their Playbook Made Simple

Once you understand that you're dealing with a different game, the behavior that seemed random becomes almost predictable.

• Goal isn't resolution—it's domination: Every interaction is about establishing who has power. Resolving your concerns would mean treating you as an equal.
• Charm flows strategically upward: Upper management thinks he's wonderful while you're living a nightmare. Charm is a tool, deployed where it provides returns.
• Confusion is the goal, not a byproduct: Vague instructions followed by blame isn't poor communication—it's a setup. Your failure and self-doubt are the point.
• Your reactions are fuel: When you grey-rocked, he escalated. Your emotional responses provide something he wants. Remove them, and he turns up the heat.

The Tactics Guide

What you've experienced has names. These are documented patterns, observed and studied across thousands of cases:

• Gaslighting: Making you question your own perception of events
• DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
• Triangulation: Using third parties to destabilize you
• Moving Goalposts: Changing expectations after the fact
• Strategic Vagueness: Being unclear so failure is guaranteed

These aren't random bad behaviors. They're a toolkit. And you've been on the receiving end of it.

Reading Evidence the Right Way

Here's the part I need you to understand:

Your failed strategies are not evidence of your incompetence. They're evidence of his difference.

The fact that every reasonable, good-faith approach backfired is proof that you're dealing with someone who doesn't respond to reasonable, good-faith approaches. That's not a commentary on your skills. It's a diagnosis of the situation.

You're not bad at workplace relationships. You've successfully navigated them your whole career. You're not imagining the problem. The problem is real, it has a shape, and now you can start to see it.

Your First Response That Works

Before you can respond differently, you need to see clearly what you're responding to.

This week, create your Personal Tactics Inventory:

1. List five recent interactions that left you feeling confused, defensive, or doubting yourself
2. For each one, identify the tactic (gaslighting, DARVO, triangulation, moving goalposts, strategic vagueness—or something else you recognize)
3. Note the pattern — When does he use each one? What triggers it? What reaction does he seem to want?
4. Name it in the moment — Next time it happens, silently label it: "This is DARVO. He's flipping the script."

This doesn't change his behavior. But it changes something important: it removes the confusion.

When you can name what's happening as it happens, it stops feeling like you're losing your mind. It starts feeling like you're reading a playbook. The move is still being made against you—but you can see it now.

Coming Next

Understanding the game is step one. But knowing you're playing chess against someone who's playing something else entirely raises the real question: How do you protect yourself when the normal rules don't apply?

That's what we'll cover next—because once you can see the patterns, you can start building responses that actually work.